


Letting him near (she's right)

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: All/No Talk [8]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Alexithymia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Anxiety Attacks, Billy Bones is skittish as fuck, Charles Vane is a patient man, Comfort, Emotional Baggage, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, First Time Together, Friendship, Hand Jobs, John Silver is a psychologist, Kissing, Longing, Love, M/M, Meeting Ex, Mental Health Issues, Miranda Barlow is a psychologist, Ned Low is not a psychopath but a man in grief, New Relationship, Partying, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Social Anxiety, Therapy, Trust Issues, psychiatric ward, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 18:57:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8545282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: A follow-up to "Just as terrified as you (talking optional)", "Alone in my chaos (pretty serious)", "All that exist (hardly ever comfortable)","Work in progress (God's little experiment)", "Never good enough (greedy demon)", "Tell me about him (a beacon in the darkness)" and "Come, taste my emptiness" (strange is the new normal) about Charles Vane and Billy Bones and their strange relationship. I recommend you read the other parts before this. We're going SLOW and there is both angst, sweetness and confused feelings.This time it'll be a little more sexual content, meetings with exes, more therapy and looks into both new and old friendships.There will be another part. I realise I maybe should've put it in one piece with different chapters, but I didn't know where it was going and definately not that it would be this long, so you need to see this as CHAPTER 8, rather than part 8. Comments are always appreciated :)





	

Staying this long in a psychiatric ward isn’t usual with anxiety problems, Billy knows that. During the therapy sessions and also the conversations with Ned, he’s slowly come to see his problems in a slightly different light.  
  
It’s not really the anxiety, the selective mutism or even the alexithymia that’s the biggest obstacle. It’s the social isolation. Billy hasn’t let anyone come close enough to be truly let in before and he’s becoming panifully aware of just how little he’s trusting people and how far his measures to stay independent actually reaches.  
  
He’s not had many opportunities to really compare his life to others, at least not on a deeper level. Billy only has a vague picture of how relationships, sexual or plathonic, works. How care and sharing a your life with one or several people looks like. He’s always been the one looking in from the outside, watching and wondering and truth is, he’s not always felt shut out. It’s difficult to explain, but the sessions with John Silver is going better and better, and a lot of the fear of trying to put words on feelings, the fear of getting it wrong, has been diminished.  
  
The main reason Billy’s been hold here for so long, is to break the isolation. At first, it doesn’t make sense to him. Hasn’t he actually been breaking it, by letting Charles into his life? He’s not been this social in years.  
  
“It’s more to it than just doing it, Billy.”  
  
John Silver, always with his friendly gaze that Billy has become enough used to now for not feeling totally emotionally naked and exposed under it.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
“To expose yourself to something you’re truly afraid of, is often good. But when it comes to this kind of social isolation you have lived in for so long, it must be taken in slow steps, to not become too much. Think of it as a marathon run.”  
“A marathon run?”  
“Yes. What does it require to do a marathon run?”  
“Like… good shape and stuff?”  
“Yes, good shape. And how do you get in good shape?”  
“Exercising, of course.”  
“And physical exercise means to put pressure on you. Same thing with a good social and emotional life. You need to practice, to expose yourself to the stress and put pressure on your emotions. When you’re done with a session at the gym and come home, what do you do?”  
“Eat. Rest, I guess.”  
“Exactly.To compare a workout with social anxiety may seem strange, but the thing they have in common, is that exercise, rest and not putting too much pressure on is vital to build up strenght, whether physical or psychological. Before you met Charles, what did you do to relax?”  
“Workout. Watch movies. Read.”  
“What do you prefer to read?”  
“Uhm…poetry.”  
“Any special style or author?”  
“Veronica Franco and Christine de Pizan… Took a class in English poetry from the 1500th but I… those are my favourites, really.”  
  
He blushes. Telling people what he reads makes him very uncomfortable. With Charles it was a little bit easier, because they used notes instead of talking and because Charles didn’t feel the need to question his interest in poetry. John Silver smiles.  
  
“I like poetry too, thou I can’t say I’ve read any of those two. Am I right if I assume that people, when they find out about that, show more interest than you’re comfortable with?”  
  
Billy nods.  
  
“And Charles didn’t do that?”  
“No. Didn’t even question it…”  
“People usually do that?”  
“If they find out. But not Charles…”  
  
He gets a little lost in the memory, smiles without knowing it.  
  
“Felt so good, you know… Just not having to explain anything.”  
“He accepted you. And respected your boarders.”  
  
Billy bites his lip and John continues:  
  
“That’s why you could let him in.”  
“Sometimes I wish I never had.”  
  
John just looks at him, like it’s perfectly alright to say that.  
  
“It’s nothing strange or wrong to feel that, Billy. To let someone close is always a little scary.”  
“But I’m terrified…”  
“And yet you do it.”  
“He still went behind my back.”  
“By calling Hal Gates? Why do you think he did that?”  
  
Billy sighs.  
  
“You know, I really don’t blame him. I know he didn’t do it to hurt me, and I guess he didn’t stand being… all alone with me anymore.”  
“And how do feel about Hal Gates?”  
“Don’t know. Haven’t seen him in years and I don’t really know how to deal with… one more person right now. But I’m not angry with Charles anymore.”  
“So how did you feel when he came and visited last time?”  
“I… I wasn’t angry or anything. Not happy either, I just… wanted to have him near.”  
  
***  
  
One of few things he actually likes with the ward, is that he’s being left alone after every therapy session, to rest and collect his thoughts. No one disturbs him until it’s time for meds or meals. Now he has two hours just to come down.  
  
He lays on the bed, just breathing and letting his thoughts wander off. And as always, they search for Charles. It’s only thoughts, he must remind himself of that, not to work up new anxiety. So instead of picturing what Charles may or may not think, Billy search for sweet memories.  
  
He remembers how Charles tasted the first time they kissed at the almost empty coffee shop. How he looked when Billy first let him inside his bedroom. That memory isn’t clouded by anxiety, for some reason. All Billy could think about that night, was how much he wanted him. The need, the longing took over and pushed away enough anxiety to make it sweet. The hours in the couch before they both gave in for something that had been built up for quite some time, and when Charles had kissed him, straddled his hips and there was no fear…  
  
Billy works his hand down his pants to the memory. The meds and weariness are two obstacles he’s aware of and he’s stroking his half hard length slow, just focusing on the memory, how Charles moaned when he had Billy’s cock in his mouth, how that silky heat had made him impossibly harder and how he’d seen Charles grinding himself over the bulge in his pants, his own lust raising while sucking Billy. It’s not long before that memeory makes him fully hard.  
  
His mind slips over to him turning Charles on his stomach and how he kissed and nibbled his spine, leaving a wet trail all the way down to that gorgeous, tight ass. Billy had sucked small marks on each buttock, making Charles squirm and pant under him, pushing his ass back against his mouth. He remember the soft, breathless moans his tongue drew from him as it stroked over Charles’ hole. How easily Charles’ body had opened up for him, eager and shameless. Billy’d wanted to fuck him, wanted it so badly but wasn’t ready and it hadn’t even bothered him at the time. He’d just buried his tongue inside Charles for a fucking eternity, teasing and pushing while working the man’s cock in slow strokes until Charles went crazy with need and practically begged him not to stop.  
  
He strokes himself harder, feeling the wetness from the tip and the image of how he went down on Charles, makes him squeeze his own buttocks, imagining how Charles’ tongue and cock would feel inside him. How it would be to ride him, or laying down with legs on his shoulder, being fucked hard while seeing Charles’ face when he comes… He goes off with a muffled moan, somehow a bit stunned over the fact that he has any sex drive left at all, despite the meds.  
  
***  
  
“How’s Billy doing in therapy?”  
“Really well, I’d say.”  
“But?”  
  
Miranda sipped on her tea and John rose his eyebrows.  
  
“You read me so well, Mrs. Barlow… Well, Billy Manderly is really putting an effort to it. He’s open to suggestions and shows a lot of trust, especially considering his previous history with health care, schools, family etc.”  
“You’re a good psychologist. I suppose you’ll offer him continuing therapy in the transition to outpatient care?”  
“That’s the problem, Mandy. If Billy is to be referred to the outpatient care, he’ll have to wait at least three months before he can get the right treatment.”  
“So, what’s your suggestion?”  
“I’d say we keep him here for now, but with regular leaves that we increase by time. His social network is almost non existant and he needs to keep things up to not fall back into old habits. I realise it’s not how we usually work, but most of our patients with these kind of severe problems at least have family or relatives that can help out. I believe there’s an increased risk for social isolation in Billy’s case.”  
  
Miranda nodded.  
  
“I agree. How has his daily life been, regarding routines, earlier?”  
“Very regular, I’d say. Almost strict.”  
“Overachiever?”  
“Oh yes. Scores exceptionally high on everything that doesn’t include social interaction, if you look at his university scores. I’d actually like to do some tests, but I doubt he’s fit to do them at the moment and I’m not sure they’re necessairy at this point either.”  
“What’s he doing besides school? Workout, I presume.”  
“Workout, reading and watching movies.”  
“At home or at the cinemas?”  
  
John tapped his coffee mug.  
  
“Why didn’t I think of that… He’s been to the cinemas with his boyfriend once and as far as I can tell, he didn’t find it overly difficult. It’s not to prefer as a first step, but maybe later on. And he should be able to get som physical activity too.”  
“You’re thinking some form of schedule?”  
“Since he’s living alone and hasn’t any family to help him, I think that would be good, yes. Time reserved for both physical exercise, social interaction, recreation as well as rest. He needs a lot of time, especially after therapy sessions, to digest the experience and collect his thoughts. A schedule would provide him with the necessairy structure and prediction to prevent both emotional and physical exhaustion, not to mention sensory overload.”  
“How about the social interactions? I mean, apart from his boyfriend.”  
  
John sighed.  
  
“Well, that’s up to both Billy and Charles. I’m pretty sure Charles could be very good for Billy’s social training, but it’s crucial that he doesn’t end up being Billy’s only door out, so to speak.”  
“I understand Billy has come to talk to Ned Low quite a bit.”  
“He has and they seem to benefit from it, both of them. Ned isn’t fit for a leave yet, but I believe they’ve made some form of, perhaps not friendship, but mutual understanding. They both suffer a great deal from anxiety, thou from very different reasons, and to be able to talk to someone who’s in a similar situation as in feeling as a social outsider, at least makes them connect enough to enjoy each others company.”  
“A progress for both of them, then. How long are you here today?”  
“Four. James is picking me up for an early dinner. Why?”  
“Patricia Jensen’s mother is coming around three and Patricia asked if it was possible tobring forward your session.”  
“I have a gap at halv past one. Would that work?”  
“Yes. She’ll have to hurry a bit with her lunch, but I doubt that’s a problem.”  
  
***  
  
Exposion. Respect boarders. How easy that sounds. So reasonable. When you know where your boarders are. If you have an idea about how much pressure you can take.  
  
Billy’s still too tired from the therapy to talk, but Charles doesn’t mind. It’s a perfectly acceptable silence, expected even, and since the therapy apparently is going quite well, Charles actually has to make an effort not to be overly happy.  
  
They’re sitting on the bed,  Billy has his back against the wall and Charles leaned back to his chest, his arms wrapped around Charles’ body. His mouth is resting in Charles’ hair, his breath making the scalp warm and the heartbeats against Charles’ back are calm. Their fingers are entwined, stroking softly, just feeling the other hand. The other man’s skin.  
  
To lean on Billy’s body like this, is very addictive. Charles has never been with a man of Billy’s stature before. He’s more than five inches taller than Charles and thou they both spend quite a lot of time at the gym, Billy’s arms are ridiculously big and being embraced by them makes Charles feel safe. Not that other men hasn’t made him feel good, desired and relaxed, no matter of their stature, but Charles hasn’t experienced quite this comfort with anyone else before.  
  
There is no expectation or rush in Billy’s movements. His touches are not impatient steps to get inside Charles pants for a quick fuck. His long, sensitive fingers are caressing Charles’ arms and hands for the very touch itself. They’re exploring the callus skin and the lines in his palms, the small hairs over his forearms and Charles shivers from the touch. Billy buries his nose in his hair, drawing it’s scent in his lungs.  
  
“I love your hair… So glad you’re letting me touch it…”  
  
Because unlike any other man or woman Charles has been with, Billy knows it’s a privilege. Charles loves the way Billy touches his body. How his hands asks for permission without loosing their eagerness. How he makes Charles feel wanted and sexy. That he doesn’t take it for granted and Charles remembers the thing still hanging over them.  
  
“I’m sorry for calling him. Gates.”  
“No, you’re not. But it’s alright, Charles. I understand.”  
“Still sorry for hurting you.”  
“I understand why you did it and with the meds I don’t get these fucked up reactions anymore. I’m not mad at you. I’m just happy you’re here.”  
  
Billy plants kisses on his hair, his temple and the sensitive spot on his neck, sending little waves of shivers down the spine and Charles sighs.  
  
“Keep doing that and I’m gonna get hard.”  
“Stop being so damn sexy then.”  
  
Billy’s low voice along with the way his hand travels over Charles’ stomache makes Charles draw his breath a little heavier. It’s the wrong place and time for this, but his body betrays him as he tilts his head sideways to give Billy access for a kiss. It’s slow and hot and Charles, who has a strong libido and hasn’t gone without sex for this long since he lost his virginity in his early teens, is almost embarressed for how his body reacts. Billy nibbles his ear and whispers:  
  
“If you could do anything you wanted with me right now, what would you do?”  
“Jesus, Billy…”  
  
The question, Billy’s soft, calm voice and the way his body tucks him in, makes Charles weak. He bites his lower lip.  
  
“I would leave this place with you and get back to my flat. Would be a reckless driver and fumble with the keys when we’d get there. Once we’re inside, I’d rip your clothes off and have you rip mine… I’d let you pin me to the wall and writhe my legs around you, let you feel how hard you make me…”  
“How hard…?”  
“Why don’t you find out for yourself…”  
  
Billy cups his hand around the bulge in Charles’ pants, just brushing lightly, teasing him a little before increasing the grip and Charles bites back a moan. Billy kisses his neck, nibbles his ear and fuck… The way Charles feels, smells and sounds is making his blood boil, only not as strong as the first time. He sighs a little.  
  
“Is it too much for you?”  
“No… no, not at all. It’s just the meds. They slow me down. Can’t feel as strong as before.”  
“Oh… You want to stop? I mean, if you can’t enjoy it, you really don’t have to do it for me.”  
“But I want to.”  
  
Billy works Charles’ pants open and starts stroking his cock.  
  
“God, you’re already wet…”  
  
Charles only moans in respons. He’s so hard and Billy’s warm hand is smearing out the precum along his shaft in long, shallow strokes. Billy leans down to his ear again.  
  
“I’m pinning you to the wall, having your legs around me… what do you want then?”  
“Fuck, Billy… I want… want you to carry me to nearest surface where you can put me on all four again…”  
“You want me to get my tongue inside you, work you all wet and open for me…?”  
“Jesus…”  
  
Charles has to grip his cock by the base, to stop himself from coming. Billy bites his ear lobe a little harder and starts rubbing his thumb over Charles’ bellend. Charles breathing is getting heavier and when Billy strokes faster, loose over the shaft and tight over the head, while letting Charles get his hand down his own pants to feel Billy’s cock, the man is practically a mess.  
  
“God… Fuck, you’re huge… Yeah, just like that, that’s so good…”  
“I want to fuck you, get inside your tight hole, make you moan for me…”  
“Please, fuck me hard, let me ride you… Want to ride your big cock…”  
  
When he comes in Billy’s palm, Charles is biting the bend of his arm to block the groan that wants to slip out. He’s still holding Billy’s half hard cock, he just wants to touch it, to feel it again. He’s leaning up for a kiss that quickly deepens as Billy uses his left hand to caress his belly and chest and Charles moans again when Billy reaches for his left nipple.  
  
Charles wants to speak. He wants to say how much he cares for Billy, that he’s not forgotten Billy’s answer when blurting out _I love you_ far too soon: _And I love you too._ But he can’t. Since meeting Billy, Charles’ mind has been partly in flames, the fire only spreading the more he’s getting to know him, the more time he’s spending with him. Billy is presenting a way of being, Charles has never experienced before and while he’s much more comfortable with the exposion to all these emotions than Billy, they’re still stirring him up.  
  
He tilts his head towards Billy’s throat, brushing his lips over the Adam’s apple up along the side of the neck, searching for contact and is met by soft, warm lips and tongue. In moments like this, kissing Billy is something he believe he could do for hours. But the clock is ticking and there are still boarders that can’t be crossed. Billy is still ill, still scared and easily overwhelmed. Still staying in hospital, still on meds. Billy moves his back a little and a small cracking sounds can be heard. Billy just laughs.  
  
“I seriously need to get out for a walk.”  
“Think they’re gonna let you do that soon?”  
“Yeah, I hope so. They say the meds are settling well now and I’m not as tired and dizzy as in the beginning.”  
  
Charles nuzzles Billy’s neck.  
  
“You have any special place you prefer? I’m not so familiar with places that aren’t crowded or so…”  
“You’ve seen the Homestead Park?  
“I know about it, but haven’t been there.”  
“It’s a quite big park, can be lot of people there but it’s like… you know, easy to be on your own there. Sounds a bit boring maybe.”  
“I like parks. I just don’t usually visit them unless I’m hanging out for a party or so in summer.”  
  
Billy stiffens a little.  
  
“You know I’ll most likely never do that? Hang out in crowds, whether it’s in someones home or outdoors?”  
“I know and I’m perfectly okay with that, Billy. I don’t expect you to change, you know. We are who we are and I like you just the way you are. Where is this park by the way? Is it open in november?”  
“It is. Lies about 200 meters from Clifton Green.”  
“Would you like to go there with me sometime? When you feel it’s, you know… I don’t mean to put pressure on you…”  
  
Billy turns his head and gives him a kiss.  
  
“I’d love that.”  
“Sure you’re not still mad at me for calling Gates?”  
“No… Can’t say I’m happy about it, but I’m not mad. How was he? When you met him?”  
“He was nice. Straight forward.”  
“How did he react on you outing me?”  
“Not at all. He was only surprised you were dating. And then he told me to be nice to you.”  
“You are… You think I should see him?”  
“What?”  
  
Charles can’t hide his surprise and Billy smirks.  
  
“Whatever people say about these meds… they’re working. They’re not miracle pills, but they cut off the worst peaks and troughs. I don’t get panicked as easily anymore. One day maybe I could… I don’t know. Can’t talk to him yet though.”  
“You want me to call him and say it was a mistake?”  
“No. But…”  
“But?”  
“Could you call him and tell that I… I don’t know if I can… I’d like to, but…”  
“I understand. Think I do, at least. If you want me to, I’ll call him and say you’ll contact him when you’re ready. I really think he’d understand that and he seemed to care for you.”  
“He was always so nice to me…”  
  
Billy bites his lip.  
  
“Sometimes he was the only one who was.”  
  
***  
  
“Well?”  
“Worked it out.”  
“Good.”  
  
He’s so tired. In fact, he was almost relieved when it was time for Charles to leave. Like he’d been filled up with emotions again and almost brims over. Sitting in the couch corner, watching tv with Ned is about the most active thing he can manage. Yes, Billy’s tired, but also calm. More calm, like more stable than before. He gives Ned a tired smile.  
  
“How are you holding up?”  
“Haven’t scratched myselt today. That’s three days now.”  
  
The man shows a self-ironic grin and Billy automatically reaches out his hand, giving Ned a shoulder to lean on to. He takes the offer and they watch The Big Bang Theory, since that’s what’s currently running. Billy falls asleep after less than five minutes.  
  
***  
  
“I’m really not in the mood.”  
 “Come on, Chaz, you haven’t been out in… I don’t know how long.”  
“Yeah, and you know why.”  
“I do, yes, but things doesn’t necessarily get any better if you don’t go to parties anymore.”  
  
Charles is irritated. Mostly because Jack is right. He’s always been an extrovert, enjoying parties and other social gatherings. It’s part of why he puts out with his job. But since meeting Billy, the attraction in anything including hanging out in crowds, has decreased. Billy hasn’t asked him to, not at all, but having him in his life, has made a lot of other things less interesting to Charles. Going to a party with Jack and Anne isn’t interesting right now. He’d choose a cuople of hours in the ward with Billy above anything right now.  
  
Jack hands him his coffee and sits down at the kitchen table, where Charles is already sitting.  
  
“You’ve changed, you know. Since you met him.”  
“And that’s a problem, huh?”  
“No, I’m just pointing out a fact, Chaz. I didn’t say it was either good or bad.”  
“But?”  
“But noticable.”  
  
Charles raises his eyebrows and Jack shrugs.  
  
“People have been asking about you lately. You’ve missed soccer games, parties, and havn’t been seen in places you usually go to. I didn’t say it’s bad, just unusual for you.”  
“What do you tell them?”  
“To ask you if it’s so fucking important to keep track on you.”  
  
Charles laughs a little.  
  
“Thank you for that. So, people I don’t really give two shits about are wondering, but you’re not?”  
“Frankly, I’m worried about you.”  
“Oh, please…”  
“You’re brooding, Chaz, and that’s not like you. Everything you’re doing evolves around Billy and before you defend yourself, I totally get it and I don’t say you shouldn’t care.”  
“But?”  
“You need to pay a little attention to yourself too, you know.”  
“I do that!”  
“Oh yeah? When was the last time you had anyone over at your place? You don’t go to concerts, you even missed Destruction for fucks sake.”  
“Didn’t even think about that.”  
“And the last soccer game, when was that?”  
“Don’t remember.”  
“Cinemas?”  
“With Billy, when he didn’t talk.”  
“Movie night?”  
“Does the psych ward counts?”  
“Party?”  
“Alright, you’ve made your fucking point. But I’m still not in the mood.”  
“Just give it a try. You, me and Anne going to that party, having some beer and if it sucks, you can just leave.”  
  
He doesn’t want to. Really doesn’t. But being all alone while Jack and Anne are at the party and Billy’s cooped up in hospital isn’t very appealing either. Charles nods.  
  
“Alright, I go. But only because you’re such a fucking pain in the ass.”  
  
***  
  
So, this is what he’s “missed out” on. More or less drunk people talking shit, just letting the words stream out like a fucking tap. Anne is, thank God, always less into that than Jack, separating herself from other women with her lack of interest in kids, clothes and guys. She’s been with Jack since she was fourteen and he was eighteen and incredibly, they didn’t start fucking until more than two years later. It’s an interesting relationship that based on simple safety for very long. In Annes’ case, running away from an abusive step dad, in Jack’s being important for someone after a number of failures with jobs, studies and friends. Could’ve been a disaster, but they’ve been a great help for each other, and later for Charles.  
  
Jack is, as always, a social lube for her with his swift tongue and charisma, but Charles is the one in their odd trio who’s most successful with this. Partly because he’s attractive in a classic “manly muscle” way, since attractive people always has an advantage automatically. He’s also into sports, not interested in politics and doesn’t bring up uncomfortable subjects to discussion. Men likes that. And since he’s bisexual and comfortable with it – mostly – he’s lacking the stereotypical fear of gays which makes him appear more confident and relaxed. Women most certainly like that.  
  
So here he is again, leaning back to a chair with one foot casually resting on the knee, drinking beer and listening to bad music and people chatting. He’s surrounded with easygoing people in a relaxed environment and all he can think about is Billy.  
  
“Charles?”  
  
He turns around to the familiar voice and sees a blonde person with a smirk on her face. Great.  
  
“Hi, Elle.”  
“Haven’t seen you in ages. Almost thought you’d died in a bar fight or something.”  
“Me too. I’m kind of surprised. How are you doing?”  
  
He wont take the bait and is quite pleased for not doing it. Eleanore looks like she always does. Hot, confident and with a teasing smile. Charles wont deny she’s attractive and far too good for him, but as with so many other things, there is a “before Billy” and “after Blly”. Everything that would’ve been appealing to him some months ago, has somehow lost it’s glow.  
  
“I’m doing really well, thank you. Got a new job last month, as a marketing director.”  
“Congrats, Elle. I’m not surprised, thou.”  
  
She laughs.  
  
“Flatters, Charles?”  
“Nope. Just the truth.”  
“Are you seeing someone?”  
“Why?”  
  
Eleanor shakes her head and smiles.  
  
“I’m asking out of curiosity, Charles. You know, that kind of normal questions you ask people you know when you haven’t seen each other in a while.”    
“I’m seeing someone.”  
“Who’s she?”  
“It’s not a girl.”  
  
She laughs and Charles is ready to snap, but as Eleanor’s face goes from amusement to real confusion, he stops himself. Eleanor raises her eyebrows.  
  
“You’re not kidding, right? You’ve met a guy?”  
“Uh-huh.”  
“Damn…”  
  
Charles sighs.  
  
“You knew I liked guys too, Elle.”  
“Yeah, but…”  
“But what? Didn’t think I was serious?”  
“No, I just… Fuck, I don’t know what I thought, but whoever he is, I hope you’re more nice to him than you were to me.”  
“I try to.”  
  
Eleanors surprise is so visible Charles almost laughs. He bites his lip.  
  
“Look, Elle, I was an asshole to you sometimes, I figured that out a while after you dumped me and I’m genuinly sorry for behaving like an insensitive shit. Not that I think we wouldn’t have broken up anyway, but I admit I was the main problem.”  
“Wow…”  
  
He can’t help but feeling a bit proud for being able to wipe that smug smile from Eleanor’s face and, for once, manage to be a good guy without lying to himself. Eleanor just shakes her head.  
  
“Never thought I’d hear you admit you’d been wrong, Charles.”  
“And I never thought I’d see you back off from a chance to argue with me.”  
“Admit it, you loved arguing with me.”  
“It was interesting.”  
  
They both laugh, the whole situation is just stupid and Eleanor takes a big gulp from her ale.  
  
“So, what about this guy you’ve met?”  
“What about him?”  
“Who is he?”  
“You don’t know him. His name’s Billy, studies English literature.”  
“Holy shit…”  
“And he has social anxiety so I doubt you’ll ever see him with me in parties. Maybe if you keep watch, you’ll see us on a secluded coffee shop or through my window in the future. How about you? Are you seeing anyone?”  
“Social anxiety… damn, Charles. Oh, me? Why don’t you ask Max?”  
“Max? Our part time worker?”  
  
Eleanor’s smirk gets even deeper and Charles just laughs.  
  
“You and her? Seriously? How long?”  
“Just a month, so it’s very fresh. Nothing official yet.”  
“But you’re dating?”  
“Mostly fucking and drinking.”  
“There’s the Elle I know and used to argue with. Congratulations.”  
“Guess I should say the same.”  
“But?”  
“I’m not sure if this Billy is to be congratulated.”  
“Because you assume I can’t change.”  
“Exactly.”  
  
No matter how just some of her anger and disappointment in him is, or how little cause she has to trust he’s capable of change, it still pisses Charles off.  
  
“You know the main reason why Billy’s not here?”  
“You told me. He’s got social anxiety.”  
“He’s in hospital, Elle. Has been for several weeks now and the reason why you and everyone but Anne and Jack hasn’t seen me, is because I’ve been visiting him, watching movies on a laptop during some restricted visiting hours and the rest of the time, I’ve tried not to panic. I know I was an asshole to you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t change. So, go ahead, Elle, just make fun of me, but leave Billy out. You don’t know anything about my relationship with him, so don’t assume you know how I am with him.”  
“Jesus…”  
  
Eleanor seems stunned and Charles’ cheeks are flushed. He’s not prepared for blurting out like this, he’s never been protective in that way and Eleanor doesn’t look smug anymore, only surprised and a little… yes, sympathetic. She swallows.  
  
“I didn’t mean to make fun of him, Charles, and if you’ve changed for the better, then I’m happy for both of you. I mean it.”  
“Thank you. Could you do me, and him, the favour and not talk about this with others? Or, if not for my sake, so for his? He’s a really nice guy, Elle, and whatever you think of me I ask you not to say things that could make him feel worse when he’s ready to meet more people.”  
“You know, Charles, you’d never say things like this when we were together.”  
“You’re different persons.”  
“Yeah, and you love him.”  
“I loved you too, Elle.”  
  
She just shakes her head and smiles friendly.  
  
“Not like this, Charles.”  
  
And, like so many times before, she’s right.


End file.
